Skywarp's List
by Strayscream
Summary: Based off Skippy's List. 213 things Skywarp is not allowed to do anymore, or else not allowed to even attempt, no matter how appealing it may seem. Story has been abandoned and may never be updated.
1. The Ring

"Kenny, your new girlfriend is a slut."

"...Woo-hoo!"

"He took it pretty well."

The Seekers were the pride of the Decepticon army. Megatron should know; he had hand-picked both trines that accompanied him to Earth. They were far more skilled than the pitiful Aerialbots that were employed by Optimus Prime, even if they did lack that oh-so-useful ability to combine into something as powerful as Superion, and each one was equipped with unique weapons that had been invaluable thus far in remaining a true threat to the Autobots. Not the least of these was Skywarp's teleportation abilities, which came in so handy when used appropriately and according to the orders of his commanding officers.

Yet somehow, time and time again, the Decepticon Commander found himself wondering where he had gone wrong to deserve such a fate as having to deal with the idiot's frequent misdemeanors and mistakes.

Take that particular moment, for example, where Skywarp, who had been assigned to monitor duty and was _supposed_ to be watching the hallways and public rooms of the _Nemesis_ for any sort of suspicious activity, was instead watching strangely shaped characters (vaguely reminiscent of the organic annoyances that were so common on this cesspool of a planet) interact on a pitifully rendered environment, while he giggled madly like a freshly-activated Sparkling.

"Skywarp," Megatron began, derma curling in disgust. "_What_ are you doing?"

The Seeker jumped and spun around in surprise. "Megatron, sir! I wasn't aware you were here!" he said quickly, searching for the switch that would presumably return the screen to it's normal functions. "I-I-I was just, testing out some wiring adjustments, yeah, that's it, that screen wasn't working earlier, it was all staticy and fragged up ya know, so I thought I'd try my hand at fixing it and it wound up picking up that human television broadcast, I got distracted by it but it was only for a couple of breems and oh look, what do you know, the monitor's working again-"

Megatron's irritated glare increased in intensity, until Skywarp's vocalizer trailed off into silence. "You were watching human entertainment broadcasts on the security monitors," he stated. "_Again_. After I had specifically ordered you not to following numerous complaints by Soundwave."

Skywarp actually had the gall to _smile_ at him, albeit timidly. "Well, sir, some of it is highly amusing. The show I was just watching, _South Park_, for instance, it's about this-"

"_I do not care to know_," Megatron hissed, shutting off his optics and reaching up to pinch the bridge of his olfactory receptor in agitation. "Just ensure that you _never_ do this again, or I will grant Mixmaster permission to use you as a test subject for his next experiment, like he's been asking me to ever since your prank on him with the organic rodent."

"It was a skunk," Skywarp supplied helpfully.

Growling, Megatron stated tersely, "I. Don't. _Care_."

Turning abruptly, Megatron started to leave the room, pausing just outside the door to turn to an obviously agitated Soundwave. "You're _sure_ you can't block out the human satellite frequencies?"

"Negative. Frequency jamming equipment: too general. Would block all communications within the _Nemesis_."

"Slag," Megatron cursed. "Fine. Next time you catch him at it, just throw him to the Constructicons and let them have free reign. And if Starscream tries to complain, throw him to them as well." With that, he stormed off, leaving Skywarp to scowl at the Third in Command.

He turned back to his screen, thoughts black with mutiny, until he was interrupted once again.

"Suggestion: do not attempt. Seeker frame not built to overpower my own. Furthermore, positions: impossible."

"Oh, eat slag."

* * *

Skywarp's List

1. You are not allowed to watch human entertainment broadcasts while on monitor duty.


	2. Mario Party

Holy Primus above. o.o; I've posted the occasional story before, but none of them were ever this popular. I'm told it's because I finally found a winning formula:

Humour + Skywarp = Win.

xD Certainly sounds accurate enough. That said, I edited the first chapter-- only slightly, in that I changed the rule used down at the bottom from the quoted rule from Skippy's List to the rule Soundwave logged in Skywarp's just-begun List. I also edited the story title, because 213 Things Skywarp Is Not Allowed To Do is a mouthful, so now it's just shortened to Skywarp's List.

I adore reviews; especially when they point out things I can fix, or make suggestions for future chapters.

Oh, and since I forgot it last time,

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

* * *

They'd only been on the Nemesis for one day following their first fight with the Autobots, yet Dead End of the Stunticons was already certain of one thing: the Seekers were the strangest Cybertronians he'd ever met.

"Excuse me?" he said, staring at the particular specimen before him. The black and violet flier huffed indignantly.

"If you're going to be rude, you can ask someone else to show you around the ship," he said. "I'm certainly not required to make sure you know where to get your fuel, or where the wash racks are-"

"Oh, no, it's okay, it's a, er, lovely name, just... unusual," Dead End finished lamely, wondering why he even bothered to placate the Seeker. Knowing his luck, the mech would just lead him around for another half megacycle until it was far too late to attend the meeting Megatron had called for his gestalt, and then he'd wind up deactivated by an irate commander...

The Seeker smiled at him brightly. "Oh, why thank you! It's wonderful to finally meet someone with the good taste to recognize such a beautiful designation when he hears it; the rest of the buffoons on this ship have no class. Did you know, my creator-"

"I don't mean to interrupt, but Megatron really insisted that my gestalt attend that meeting in the control room, and I'm already late..."

The Seeker pouted, and Dead End thought that maybe the flier would be so offended he'd just abandon him here to find the control room himself (which he likely never would, because things never worked out like that), but for once, his luck held out; shrugging, the flier simply turned away, beckoning for Dead End to follow him.

"The control room's right here," he said, gesturing at the door flippantly as they came around a corner. "Enjoy the meeting, and I hope you like your new home!" To Dead End's shock, the Seeker then vanished abruptly, after gracing him with a far-too-bright smile. The Stunticon stared at the now-vacant spot he had just occupied for a long moment, then slowly turned towards the door; he shook his head in disbelief, certain that no one would even believe him when he told them why he was late to the meeting, then stepped forward, the door to the control room sliding open as it sensed his approach.

Sure enough, the first thing that greeted him was Megatron's angry bellow. "Where have you been?!" he demanded furiously. "The meeting began fifteen breems ago!"

"I'm sorry, sir, I was lost, one of your Seekers said he'd bring me here but he just led me all over the ship instead-" Dead End babbled quickly, backing back out of the room again even as Motormaster stood up angrily to defend him.

Strangely enough, the Decepticon commander seemed to accept this answer. Snarling angrily, he then interrogated Dead End: "Which Seeker was this? Starscream? I wouldn't put it past that fool to attempt to annoy me by causing trouble like this..."

"Uh, no, sir... he said his designation was... uh..."

"Oh, spit it out already!" Megatron snapped.

"P... Princess... Peach?"

Megatron and the entire Stunticon gestalt stared at him. Then Wildrider and Drag Strip burst out laughing, and the Decepticon leader covered his optics with a hand, growling deep in his vocalizer until finally he turned and stormed past Dead End and out of the room.

His roar could be heard throughout the entire ship. _**"SKYWARP!"**_

* * *

Skywarp's List

2. You were not designated after female characters from human video games. Stop introducing yourself to the new soldiers as such.


	3. Kung Fu Fighting

Alright, I've only got eight reviews so far, but still I find myself giddily happy about how popular this story seems to be. xD Special thanks to cmdrtekk, Kittona, Starfire201, chibi-veneficus, Ameri, EmotionallyInconsistent, Rob Lockster, Eerie Iri, StarSwoop, and Dragon260 for reviewing the last chapters. I'm sorry for the delay, school devours my life on a regular basis. I'm also sorry for shortness, I had ideas before after I'd just posted the last chapter, but at some point between then and now, they shrivelled up and died. T-T On another note, if anyone wants to check out the list and give me suggestions for the next set of rules, I'd happily accept and apply where appropriate. ^-^ Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

* * *

The sudden sound of cargo crashing and several voices shouting and wailing immediately caused a small ache to begin in the foremost corner of Starscream's processor. From the sounds of it, a fight had broken out, and in one of the storage facilities, much to his increasing annoyance. Normally, he wouldn't care, but with Megatron taking leave to see to Shockwave's accomplishments on Cybertron, that meant the Second in Command had to deal with it. Things only got worse when footsteps pounded loudly down the hallway outside his office and his door slid open to reveal a very agitated Soundwave.

"Assistance: required. _Immediately_," the communications expert intoned. Starscream scoffed.

"What could possibly be going on that you can't handle it?" he demanded, even as he stood and stepped around his desk to follow Soundwave's lead. "You _are_ third in command, after all, surely you're capable of commanding _some_ respect from whoever's going at it this time-- Hey! Let _go_ of me, you barely-functional radio-transmitter--!" Whatever was going on to make Soundwave so insistent, Starscream was sure it was not going to improve his mood after having Soundwave grab him and drag him through the halls.

The sounds only grew louder until at last, the two highest ranking officers arrived at the source of the disturbance-- or rather, the source of the disturbance nearly ran them clear over.

Barely diving out of the way as Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzsaw, and Ratbat all came stampeding down the hallway, Starscream stared at the procession with total disbelief just the smallest hint of amusement, amusement which only grew when Skywarp came running down the halls after them, yelling out lustily and brandishing a katana.

Not bothering to conceal his faint smirk, Starscream turned to Soundwave, who was now glaring. "Where the Pit did he get that sword?" the Air Commander demanded. Soundwave nearly twitched.

"Skywarp: accompanied last shipment of Energon to Cybertron. Weapon: stolen from Decepticon stationed there. Designation: Bludgeon. Status: on the control room transmitter, wishing to speak with you."

Starscream barely stifled a snicker. "Tell him I'll be there as soon as we catch the fragging teleporter and make him clean up this mess."

* * *

Skywarp's List

3. You are not allowed to practice Metallikato on the Cassetticons.

4. You are not allowed to practice Metallikato, period. Return Bludgeon's weapons before Megatron grants his request to deactivate you.


	4. NipTuck

Thanks everyone who's been following the drabbles. ^-^ Special thanks to cmdrtekk, Starfire201, StarSwoop, Rob Lockster, Kick-Aft, and EmotionallyInconsistent for reviewing, and special _special_ thanks to dixiegurl13 and lildevil425 for making a suggestion for a future chapter!

Well, I'm sorry that this one's short, but I simply didn't think it needed anything else added to it. ^^; Hope you enjoy!

**Note:** If anyone wants to check out the list and give me suggestions for the next set of rules, I'd happily accept and apply where appropriate. ^-^ Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

* * *

Decepticon transmission detected.

Transmission intercepted.

Beginning decoding sequence.

...Decoding sequence complete.

Beginning transmission playback.

_"-no. Just, no. Absolutely not. What do you _mean_, why? Because it's pointless, possibly dangerous, and contrary to what that human told you, utterly repulsive. No, I am not going to come over there and_ feel them_. It's disgusting. And if something goes wrong with the upgrade, _I'm_ the one who's gonna have to explain to Starscream why we have to get a new wing mate. _Yes_, we'd replace you that easily. _No_, I am not going to change my mind. Stop whining, and come back to base before I come over there and drop a cluster bomb on the fragging squishy and report this whole thing to Starscream. Why would you even _want_ to modify yourself to add human anatomy? No, no, don't answer that. I don't want to know. And quit calling me TC. Over and out."_

Transmission terminated.

* * *

Skywarp's List

5. You are not allowed to modify yourself to have silicone breasts. Stop talking to humans.


	5. Pump It

One of my longer contributions, I'm rather proud of it, and the first one I've actually had beta'd. I'm not sure of her nickname here on , but for now, I'll credit her as Shiome.

Thanks for Rob Lockster, Starfire201, cmdrtekk, chibi-veneficus, Ameri, Dragon260, StarSwoop, and Wol Lo for the wonderful reviews, and special thanks to TheSpittingAlpaca and MajsanWorld for their suggestions.

As a side note, I edited the Kung Foo Fighting chapter, to change which Cassetticons were being chased around. Just so you know.

**Note:** If anyone wants to check out the list and give me suggestions for the next set of rules, I'd happily accept and apply where appropriate. ^-^ Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** Do not own.

* * *

"He was watching _what_?"

Thundercracker tried not to look nervous as he stood in front of Starscream's desk. "It's some human video he got from Rumble and Frenzy. See, it turns out, those two were the ones who gave him the idea to practice that Metallikato slag on the other Cassetticons after he stole Bludgeon's sword, something about them having some kind of argument with the others. They paid him for it by letting him have use of their collection of human films on DVD."

"And this is important... why?" Starscream asked slowly. "Unlike Megatron, I hardly care if Skywarp wastes his free time watching that slag, as long as it keeps him from getting in trouble."

"Well... that's just it," Thundercracker said. "See, I was in our quarters with him while he was watching this one particular movie, and he started pausing and rewinding it to watch this one scene over and over again. Then he started... giggling."

Somewhere in the back of Starscream's processor, alarms were beginning to go off. "...Giggling?"

Sensing that Starscream was finally beginning to comprehend the dire situation they were in, Thundercracker nodded furiously. "Yes. Giggling. Then he teleported. I haven't seen him since."

Starscream cursed, then stood from his desk and quickly led the way out. "How long ago was this?" he demanded as he took the halls at a swift stride, Thundercracker hurrying to keep pace with him.

"About half a joor," the blue Seeker answered. "I would've been in here to talk to you sooner, but you were busy with the Constructicons-"

"Blasted whining sadists, wasting my time complaining about the Combaticons again when there are _real_ emergencies to deal with-" the Second in Command interrupted as he turned sharply down another hall, then entered the control room. "Attention!" he barked, immediately catching the optics of every bot in the room. "I need the location of Skywarp. _Immediately_."

The mechs on monitor duty glanced at each other in confusion momentarily, before they quickly began scanning their screens. It was one of the Constructicons who finally spoke up.

"Sir, he appears to be in one of the supply bays. I'm not sure what he's doing, it looks like he's going through one of the containment units."

"Good, keep an eye on him, let me know if he goes anywhere else," Starscream barked out sharply, before turning on his thruster and sweeping back out of the room. Thundercracker lagged behind only just long enough to hear Swindle start up a betting pool on what the teleporter had done this time, before racing after his trine leader.

"So, what exactly are we doing?" the blue Seeker asked when he'd caught up.

"To confront the slagger and put a stop to whatever he's doing before he has a chance to give me another processor migraine," Starscream snapped abruptly, never pausing in his swift pace.

"Uh- is that really- I mean, the particular movie he was watching, it got a little violent in places-" Thundercracker started to protest, but was silenced by a withering glare from Starscream.

"Skywarp, no matter how useful his teleporting ability is, is a far cry from being the most terrifying mech in the Decepticon Army," the SIC answered plainly. "I'm confident that I am _more_ than capable of handling-"

"Starscream, sir," Scavenger's voice came across the comm.-link. "Skywarp just teleported. We're trying to find- ah, he's in one of the storage closets, fifty paces down from your location and to the right."

The two seekers looked at each other. "...blasters at the ready," Starscream said, and nodding, Thundercracker readied his own, only to be shoved ahead of Starscream.

"What?!" Starscream said when he got an offended glare for the action. "You're the one he's always calling his buddy- _you_ go first!"

Grumbling, Thundercracker walked ahead slowly, as the storage closet came into view. "...Skywarp?" he called out hesitantly. "Come on, 'Warp, whatever game you're playing, I don't think this is the best-"

The closet door exploded open as Skywarp launched himself out of it, aiming his weapon at his trinemates and shouting, "_Die you motherfuckers!_" Instinctively, Thundercracker dropped to the ground, ducking all the shots. Then he looked up and back at Starscream

Starscream stared at Skywarp. Then looked down at the splatters of neon-bright paint that streaked his chassis. Thundercracker heard a distinct growl from his commander as Skywarp began giggling once again, before the end of Starscream's null ray was pointed over his shoulder at the purple and black seeker.

"Skywarp- _hold still_."

Before the shot could even be fired, Skywarp shrieked with laughter and teleported away. Cursing, Starscream pulled his null ray back and immediately leapt over Thundercracker and ran down the hallway, shouting over the comm.-link, "Alright, _someone_ had better tell me where that idiot has disappeared to this time, or _so help me_, I will volunteer _all_ of you as turbo-rats for whatever experiment Megatron's scientists are planning next, and Primus above, if I _ever_ find out who told that fragger we were coming down here after him, I will make him _beg_ for mercy-!"

Struggling not to laugh as he stood up slowly, Thundercracker decided that yes, seeing the look on Starscream's face and receiving half of Skywarp's high grade stash was _definitely_ worth the risk of setting up his commander for this, a thousand times over.

* * *

Skywarp's List

6. You are not allowed to watch human entertainment media, quote human entertainment media, or act out human entertainment media using a paintball rifle and a superior officer. And in Pulp Fiction, the human _missed_.


End file.
